There I was, sailing along on calm seas in the sweltering heat of the tropics (okay, sitting on the milking stand in the barn), when the klaxon sounded and the captain yelled, "All hands on deck! Man your battle stations! Prepare to repel all boarders!" We were under attack by brigands and pirates intent on stealing our golden bounty. They came from the left. They came from the right. They came from ahead and behind. No more would one be driven off when another would spring aboard. They were relentless and I was helpless. I needed a water cannon, not the milk stream I fired. Not until they'd taken the last grain did the pirates hoist the Jolly Roger and leave us be, singing "Yo, ho ho" as they went. I'm pretty sure I heard them.